Joanna Bator, my favourite Polish writer, has once said that one should not fight insomnia. That when it comes, you should simply accept it, get up and do something useful. Wait until the dream eventually decides to come. I first tried all the methodes: it was too hot – so I took off the socks. It was too cold then – I put on the thinner ones. It was too hot again – I took off the hoodie. It was too cold – I put on the thinner one. I changed the bed’s side. I put the head on the legs’ side. And then I eventually gave up, got up and looked at the time. It was 2.22. I turned on the light and the music, quiet sounds of Camille O’Sullivan’s album “Changeling” spread out across the room. I didn’t have enough energy to write, so I’ve been only laying down in my bed. And I’ve been thinking.
I’ve been thinking about how much has happened in my life in the last six months. Becasue it’s been already six months since I quit job and decided to look for myself in the world. I’ve been thinking about the first three weeks at home, then three months in Israel, Palestine and Jordan. Then two weekes in Warsaw and Krakow, a month in my family village again, finally next two weeks in Warsaw. And then one week on the way and the last one here, in Krakow. This is how those six months looked like in a geographical order.
I’ve been thinking about how many times I had to cross my own border – of fear, uncertainty, trying something new, submitting to what the fate will bring and not what I have planned. Unstoppable lessons of humility, which which life has been giving me across those six months, all the time.
I’ve been thinking about how I was learning how to be happy. And how difficult lesson it was (and still is). How much I’ve been taught “not to be happy” in my life (in order to not to jinx because then it will not work; or becasue others don’t have it, so I should be ashamed rather than happy..) and how much being happy is still a matter of shame for me and I have to get out of my comfort zone every single time. How much I wanted to put myself into such instability to learn about happiness and appreciation. I wasn’t able to appreciate enough all I had had: stable well-paid job & cool people to work with; family; lots of friends; my own flat (with a mortage, but somehow still with the feeling of ownership). The only thing missing in this life jigsaw puzzle of mine was the feeling of happiness. And although I didn’t have any idea about how to find it, I decided to look for it at least. That’s how I ended up i here, six months later.
I’ve been thinking about the time in Israel, when I was living in the six-people dorm most of the time. When I was learning about the life in completely new conditions surrounded by a completely new culture. How happy I was about every single skype conversation with friends – from Poland, from all over the world, back then. And this discovery I made that I actually know how to be happy and that this happiness in me is deep, honest and beautiful.
I’ve been thinking about this one month at my family home, when I re-discovered friendship that was lost somewhere on the way. And how slowly time was passing by in there, slipping through the fingers, dragging like a chewing gum. And how sunny August was this year, I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful one. Every single day was sunny and beautiful. And how I re-discovered the time with my parents as well. Many evenings spent together on the terrace or inside, watching sports. And the time with my granny. Bike trips with friends and a lot of laughs. A lot of laughs with my sister as well, whom I told that I regret a bit that we are not in a similar age, because it could be quite cool together. But I actually don’t regret it becasue she is the best sister in the world and I would not exchange her into any other.
I’ve been thinking also about how “I don’t have regular incomes” sentence cuts all the telephone calls from banks, for whom I stopped being an interesting client.
I’ve been thinking about this bike project of mine, that suddenly happened to be a good energy release and that I would never expect such a huge positive wave of reactions. And how difficult it was to ask people to join the project and not to make them fell offended or badly in any way.
I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve learnt to re-define a success over those six months. And that one of the biggest successes of those months for me is the fact that so many people have registered to Polak Potrafi – a Polish crowdfunding platform and although for many of them my project was the first one they ever supported, I hope it will not be the last. And that I was able to create the atmosphere of a community around this project and get so many people involved.
I’ve been thinking about Iza and her #Don’tTellHim project, which has a lot of special meaning for me. And that I don’t remember when was the last time, when I so much wanted something to come true for someone I haven’t even met personally. And how much happiness brought me every single FB post and every single message from Iza.
I’ve been thinking about many other things.. and then I suddenly fell asleep.
Ps. I also have this reflection recently, although it’s a very hackneyed slogan, I know, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I really think that it’s worth to try to find your own way. Draft a direction and follow it. To try. Becasue for now, every time when I have a worse day or a very bad day and I think “why the hell am I doing all this shit?”, I immediately ask myself “do I (already) regret that I have tried?” as well. And the answer has been “No, I don’t regret”, so far.
Krakow, 26 September 2015