I’ve been to Poland for 2,5 weeks now. My “to do list” has already 1,5 pages. And it keeps growing. I’ve been laughing at myself today – from the day when I was writing about my kibbutz experience and how I was reading this article about self-discipline and how much unreal it seemed back then. I guess that it was a laugh through tears because I myself have made this situation happen. Becasue nobody has forced me to do anything, nobody told me “you have to do it”. Well, but I don’t want to spend the whole days in bed, I guess. The new travel plan will not make it happen on its own..
So I’m meeting a lot of people, talk with them, I write a lot of e-mails, I’m working on all social media platforms, I’m learnign, I correspond, I run this fanpage and… I don’t write. Anything. I just realize that there is no space in me to write, because there are so many other things to do, so “write a blog post” is usually at the end of my to do list. Which was not the point at the beginning of this story. I’m even bigger fan of Sylwia Chutnik now – she is hero doing everything what she is doing and being able to find herself in this creative mode, which requires space.
I think a lot about this bike trip. And about everything I’m doing to get ready. I have already made up the stories, explanations, alibi. Everything sounds so good already and everybody believes in this story. Everybody keeps their fingers crossed. How about me?
I keep thinking, where am I in all this. Do I still know how to stop and be amazed by the moment? Do I know, how to – here and now, in Warsaw – lose time with no regretes? How to get back this time I have negiated with life before being back to Poland? It’s 17.41 right now, I’m sitting in Tel Aviv Cafe in Warsaw (it’s my seventh hour in here), I had three meetings, in two languages, there were a lot of smart words and a lot of knowledge I gained today. But have many times have I laughed today? How many times have I been looking into the space, thoughlessly? How many times have I been amazed today? The best moment of today: 30 minutes of bike ride from Wilanow to the city center. So many beautiful ideas I had in my mind then!
There is this Argentinian book called “Si me querés, quereme transa” in Spaninsh, but the Polish title is “Ja, transa”, which in English would sound “I, transa”. A really good book. I recently laughed to Nikodem that I could call myself “I, the grass” (ja, trawa in Polish) becasue of all those blogish-facebookish photos of myself laying down in the grass. After today I started to think abotu the new piece of my identity called “I, the product”. And I still don’t know, how I feel about it.
Warsaw, Poland, 5 August 2015